my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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