Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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