Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
