I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
