I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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