Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
