She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
