my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
