Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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