chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
