Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
