just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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