I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
