a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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