My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
