my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
