what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
