Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
