My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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