Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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