so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
