If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
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Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
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Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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