I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
