I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
