I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
