A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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