So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
