my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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