Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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