Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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