i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
