I am in a vortex of obligation.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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