What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
