I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
