Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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