Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You dont lie about slip and slides
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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