We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
