I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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