If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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