I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
