YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
