I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
