I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
