Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I have tasted many bathrooms
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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