I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
