yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
