im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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