I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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