My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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