I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
