R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
