Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
