Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
everyone is single if you try hard enough
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
