Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
