he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
