Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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