Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
