I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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