there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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