Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
