She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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