Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
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Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
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Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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